Previous Millwall Tours

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A personal recollection by an anonymous serial rapist tourist.

Tour of Amsterdam:

Millwall's tour to Amsterdam convinced the UK government to consider licensing Cannabis Cafes over here. Our behaviour after visiting one of these establishments and our refusal to partake in a substance that would clearly upset our physical and spiritual well being was such that New Labour are confident that British people will not take to Cannabis as much as Dutch.

Tour of Holland:

Unlike most tours to countries, the tour of Holland was really a tour of Holland. We stayed in a hotel in the countryside, played rugby in the South and celebrated our victory in Uden, Den Bosch and Amsterdam. On the Friday night Millwall played there first ever tour match and it was a resounding success. We won and Rupert Moreton got man of the match. A fine drinking session resulted, i.e. lots of people were fined quite heavily in the Court session the next day. Millwall also won the game having consumed an average of five pints each at the amusement park slightly prior to the match.
The next two days were a bit of a blur but I did managed to dance naked up on a stage in Hooters only wearing a gimp mask and fall from the third story of the hotel I was staying in.

Tour of Poland:

This was a fantastically well-organised tour in which we played a sevens competition and a full fifteen aside game. To sum the rugby up Gdynia (who were second in their national division); they were fantastic athletes; they were huge, strong, fast, had great handling and half were the local mafia. The other half being the local football hooligans that had been banned from attending national league football matches.
They were the best hosts we could ask for. We were treated like Gods in all establishments we entered, even the not so reputable ones. The player camaraderie was also great and with many a fine tale to tell.
Poland's second best team were torn apart up front only to use their backs with such pace and precision to which Millwall had no answer. We did beat Gdynia under 5's in a Seven's tournament thanks to a last minute try by Johann Van Vuuren. No brothels were visited and Poland's much vaunted nightlife was avoided in order to remain fresh for the morning Kick-offs.
Highlights included: a trip to Hell and back, the most fantastic bonding session around a pool table in a bowling alley, a hotel terrace that had laughter emanating from it twenty-four hours a day.

Tour of Estonia:

If the tour was a little disorganised to start, then my fellow tourists made up for it in charm, character and wit. We flew into Tallinn without really knowing who we were going to play or what we were going to do. My God did we make a fantastic itinerary ourselves. There was a resounding win over London French, we were cheated by Folkestone and we ran out of players against Cambridge.
Those with any energy left in them (I had just done a forfeit of four fingers from a bottle of chilli vodka) played for Estonia the following day against Cambridge and Folkestone
The final day we had Tallinn to ourselves and weren't we impressive. The local mafia are still trying to sell Xxx Wxxx drugs, the plants in Molly's have still not recovered from their sexual experiences and Xxx & I did not have to be carried onto the plane

Tour to Vic-Fezensac (South West France):

Things that probably didn't happen in France
* The mayor was abused
* Sixty crates of beer were drunk
* We stayed in a castle
* We did not visit any gay bars
* Gate crashed a party and ordered a 53 drink round
* Drive to Biarritz in a removals van
* Have a food fight with pigeon
* Throw a wheel chair on a bonfire
* Glyn scored on his fiftieth game

Comment from previous tourist: Everyone behaved impeccably in Estonia except Xxx Wxxx who tried to seduce a pot plant with a pint of milk. Our standard of rugby was such that 5 Millwall players were recruited by the Estonian Rugby Federation to represent Estonia against other visiting Tourist sides. Plus the bar had a fantastic Finnish and Estonian karaoke machine.