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MILLWALL R.F.C., THE UNWRITTEN HISTORY
(a personal and slightly weird account)

Once upon a time there lived a man named Chris Underwood. And he, despite all evidence to the contrary, was male and lived in The Pier Tavern. Now this particular chap, despite being six foot four and having been to Public School, was feeling particularly gay, in old money that is, to whit, happy and joyful. This feeling was abundant at the time because Mr. R. Andrew had just converted a drop kick into three points that meant England could take on New Zealand in the Rugby World Cup 1995 Semi-final. Some blessing that turned out to be. Anyway, another bloke called Perry Munton, no chap this one, steamed up and whispered gently into Chris’ ear You look like you play rugby’.

Chris’ reply was to lead directly to him assuming the nickname Tampax, and the reply was Yes, of course I do, I went to public School, but I only play once every month because the showers are too hot.’

There were others in the bar at the time, probably too numerous to mention but I'll try. Mike Marques, Toby Underwood, Simon Fletcher, Phil Antenbring, Larry McCabe and A.N. Other, (I’d really like to know who it was if anyone knows).

There were eight, as the more observant readers amongst you will have noticed. If you hadn’t, my advice would be to go back to Page 3, and pay attention this time.

Millwall R.F.C. was dragged kicking and screaming into the world. Gradually, and not all at once, mind, players joined this bunch of flutters playing with an oval ball in, of all places, Millwall Park. Notable amongst the new blokes were two in particular, St Bill of Lancaster, who by the accounts that I have, to date, chosen to listen too, organised them and did the necessary administrative work that meant Millwall would be playing Rugby against other teams within three months. That is not quite as easy as it sound. And Jamie Rockman, who many of you will know, who had never played the game before. Amongst this merry band of men was enough get up and go to put up some posters on such upstanding members of the community as lampposts and tree trunks. These pleas were seen by enough members of a socio­economically changing, or perhaps that should be challenged, environment, Pm thinking of Flex here, for there to be training nights, heaven forbid. And so it came to pass.

A gentle rabble coalesced itself into a Rugby Club with a Constitution and everything. By the way, has anyone seen it?

Their first encounter with opposition was a training match against Chigwell, who, Pm sorry to say, no longer exist. This occasion enabled everyone to have a gentle run-out and see what they were made of, there’s a picture somewhere, and as soon as we find it, we’ll put it up.

The first real match was against a bank side called Chemical Bank and it was played at East London R.F.C. Millwall quickly established a winning habit which they have maintained to date. 20-17 was the score.

Interestingly, Millwall leant two players to the opposition that day, Nigel ‘Flex’ Webb who played hooker for them, and Gareth Batley, who played in the back row. Obviously they were the two players who MillwaIl could most do without, because they weren’t good enough. Let me tell, you one of them still isn't, and its not the hooker, work that one out, if you can’t, be patient my friend, because there’s more ...

... and so it came to pass. Millwall began their first season with the youngest Rugby Club committee in the history of the world. They comprised, according to my recollection of the loudest and most persistent people I can remember from those days; Bill Lancaster, Mike Marques. Gareth Batley and Perry Munton. The coaching of the club was taken on by Danny Anson. Perry and Danny shared a nickname, Bald Eagle and these two were primarily responsible for ensuring that Millwall Albion R.F.C. (as was then) began life with at least half an eye on the social aspects of the game, and of the numerous drinking games allied to Rugby. Good to see. Millwall's first home games were played at Mile End Park after some sterling work by Bill Lancaster and Cllr John Ryan of Tower Hamlets (ex London Irish). And they proceeded to play friendly games against the lower sides of various big clubs in the local area.

They followed up the Chemical Bank win with two big wins against sides from Chigwell and Eton Manor. It was clear that Millwall defensive capabilities were good at this very early stage, but that they relied heavily on Perry Munton and Phil Antenbring in attack. Millwall’s first four games saw them score 16 tries, 12 of them were shared between the aforementioned. Even now, not five years later, and only just over four, its amazing to consider how much talent there had been on the field back then and how many players have come and gone, here’s a few for those with long memories and I’ll use their nicknames as allocated in ‘Scenes from the Clubhouse’ to prompt your memories, Zebedee, Wetsuit MacWhale, Bandy Ballmagnet, Half-Dressed man, Howdy Dowdy etc etc.

The match day programme compiled by Bill Lancaster was a new departure for many. Yours truly had played for many clubs before Millwall and had never seen anything like it. The programmes have been an unbelievable source of attempted humour and factual inaccuracy ever since. Nevertheless, their influence on the club is probably underestimated, ever since Bill Lancaster showed how to manufacture HP Sauce when you ran out at barbecues, (hint, drink sixteen pints of Guinness washed down by a Vindaloo the night before).

I could be wrong, (if you’re a betting man, go for it), but the year that we played at Mile End Park is full of many very memorable incidents, one of which I shall now recount to you having just been reminded of them. How often have you known someone knock their own girlfriend out and ,whilst everyone else is expressing concern of sorts, ask the ref. what the bloody hold up is? It happened here.

It’s fair to say that up until Christmas 1995, results were fairly mixed, with the last couple being a heavy defeat and a heavy win. To be fair these sorts of contrasts were to be expected as no-one really had a clue how good we were and how good the opposition was going to be. And so to 1996, where we were treated to our first sight of, and here is where nicknames can be misleading, The Monkey Boy!

…. but before I move prematurely into 1996, just a few words about memorable debuts and Millwall’s playing record to date. Millwall had played 15 games, winning 7 and losing 8. MilIwall had used a total of 38 players. Survivors from the first game number only two, and let me tell you, that surprised the hell out of me, Phil Antenbring and Nigel Webb, although both Gareth Batley and Mike Marques would still be strutting their stuff, if their careers hadn’t been curtailed by injury. Other notable debut performances occurred with Chris Underwood and Guy Lether (Tweedledum as was, Tampax, as is, and Tweedledummer) on the 16th September, Nick May (Flipper) on the 7th October, another sadly missed casualty, Jamie Rockman (Sir) on the 14th October and Kevin Doherty (Quick, Run for it) on the 28th October.

All of this took place before the arrival of the man whose influence an the Club has, arguably if you want, but I’d fancy my chances, been greater than any to date. Not only is he the tallest bloke to put on a Millwall shirt, but also the best, probably of all, but certainly with the most consistency etc etc. The Monkey Boy surfaced out of a New Year haze and played Second Row, just the once, mind. And demonstrated to Millwall that League opposition was nothing to be frightened of. Rupert, (who, I have to say, has eluded nicknaming for far too long, despite Flipper’s game attempts at introducing Mr. Grumpy), stamped his authority on anybody who got in his way, basically, and continues to do so with a benevolence bordering on the tyrannical.

So 1996 got off to a good start, and I feel it’s time for another partially humorous anecdote, remember Les Murphy not knowing Johnny Yeung’s name and calling for the ball with the phrase, ‘inside my old China’, my, did we chuckle.

The good start developed into a good middle with Millwall reaching the end of the season, their only one at Mile End, having played some quite stunning Rugby. This included two 50+ wins over teams from Ilford Wanderers and Bancrofts. There were one or two cameo appearances from the likes of Joe The Bull et al. And a match against Barking that I still remember clearly because it was an exhibition of everything that Rugby should be about.

Millwall also posted their first win against an opposition’s First XV. Old Brentwood’s was the club and since then a rivalry has been established between the two clubs. This rivalry runs to only four games, each have won two, and the aggregate points difference to date is Millwall 63, Old Brentwood’s 58. (We stuffed ‘em last time though). Pete Howard then entered the crucible that was Mile End Park. Foolishly, he was playing for the opposition. Needless to say, we beat em. Pete knew exactly when to jump ship, volunteering to coach the Club that he is still now with. ‘Coach’ has been with us ever since, and when you consider the amount of time that he must spend on the A13, that is a truly remarkable fact!

…..The Eastern Counties Rugby Union, somewhat foolishly, allowed Millwall R.F.C. to enter the League Structure early. Millwall’s results during the 1995/6 season had provided sufficient indication that we weren’t mugs. Millwall R.F.C., for the first time, could consider themselves to be a bona-fide Rugby Club offering National League Structure fixtures to their players. This was partly responsible for Millwall being exposed to a new tradition; the flooding in of new players from all over the world during the close season. Millwall have managed so far, if you’ll allow me to get ahead of myself, been represented by players form over 25 countries, including, amazingly, Iceland.

The committee comprised Bill Lancaster, Tony Smith, Mike Marques, Gareth Batley, Nick May and one or two others who can be found elsewhere. Pete ‘Coach’ Howard was Coach.

It was during this season that Chris Hannam established a try-scoring record of 7 in one match for the Llamas, (I want to be around when somebody breaks that.). This match is further memorable because Bill Lancaster had to ref. using a scream of ‘Legs’ because we didn’t have a whistle. We hadn’t even turned up with a ball.

No matter, the League side were sweeping all before them (except May and Baker) prompted by the astute play of our first ever Canadian representative, Mr G. Robinson, at scrum half.

Our League opposition that year were, in no particular order Chigwell 19-10, Dagenham 13-8, Mistley 70-21, Orwell 45-0, May and Baker 24-29, R.A.F. Lakenheath 28-10, Rayleigh 63-3 and Swaffham 20-3. There may have been more but I can’t think of them offhand.

The last game against Dagenham was won with a try from an old Dagenhamite, Larry McCabe and was achieved despite the presence in the Oppositions ranks of Perry Munton. Lest we forget, Nick May’s try saving tackle in the corner.

This season also saw the institution of The Millwall Lions V The Rest of the World. (The lions have maintained their proud losing record to this day.)

A bunch of dissolute Kiwis including Doc, Ranghi, Osh, Seymour, Polly and Bish are the reason behind this hugely popular fixture before which every Welshman, Scotsman and Irishman finds an Antipodean Grandparent, long may it continue.

A total of 35 fixtures were played that year with 18 wins (incl. a 100-0 drubbing of the Docklands Light Railway and 86-0 v London Hospital) and 17 losses.

This season also saw Millwall play their Rugby at Victoria Park for the first time. Fortress Vicky, as it has become known, has witnessed many memorable battle since then, most notably against the Groundsman who has to be home by 4:15 for his tea.

This season included our first matches against Citizens / Ravens, May and Baker and Old Streetonians who have subsequently become old adversaries.

The season ended with Millwall receiving their First Divisional Trophy from Alex King at the Oval. They had been sponsored by Alex Neil and their future looked rosy indeed.

The 1997/1998 season dawned with us still being in the bottom division due to a restructuring by the Eastern Counties R.F.U. They were trying to be kind by depriving us of any long coach trips which, as everyone knows, are no fun at all. The usual influx of new players happened again and here’s a quick reminder of a few; Jean-Sebastian Rat (and who can forget him), John Crawford, Carl Wakefield, Craig Jehn, Jim Wade, Rory Kilmartin, Brendan Roche, Christian Tirabassi, Vincenzo Marrano and Truman McCarthy.

The committee saw a bit of a reshuffle with Nigel Webb and Phil Antenbring trying to fill the gaps being left by Tony Smith and Bill Lancaster (let me tell you, they were very substantial gaps). Thank heavens for the continuity provided by Nick “Oh Bugger, my leg’s fallen off” May and the irreplaceable and inexhaustible Gareth Batley. Gareth not only took up playing Hooker but also reffed a bit during the year, further cementing his reputation as a most important and underestimated Club Committee member/player et al. Both of whom, I’m extremely pleased to say, together with St Bill, are the trio who have received Honorary Life Mmeberships from Millwall R.F.C.

Nick May kept up the tradition of Club Captain’s curse by spectacularly breaking himself in the first game against Old Palmerians, kindly donating his gas and air to Cooky.

It was another relatively successful season which saw Millwall finish 2nd in the League behind an unbeaten Old Brentwood’s. The final league match of the season was played in the North Sea at Brentwood when Millwall were pipped by a last minute try.

Selected results include a 90-14 win over Rayleigh and 64-3 against Old Bealonians.

Millwall also managed to win a Seven’s Plate competition (Prize 6 cans of Castlemaine XXXX) which ensured that we can say, albeit tongue in cheek, we’ve won something for the second consecutive year.

Millwall toured for the first time (even though they played no rugby) to Amsterdam and an unmissable part of the season has been going exceptionally strongly ever since.

Millwall played matches against new opposition of the calibre of Romford and Gidea Park, plus Upminster (not their first teams I hasten to add) for the first time.

Remarkably, and I suspect that this is a World Record, Millwall had a fixture cancelled due to Gulf difficulties over 7 and a half years after the war had finished !?!

The last two fifteen a side games were memorable as a Millwall XV Club side beat a Canvey XV Club side by 31-22 and the fulfilment of the ANZAC day game against London New Zealand, despite the Isle of Dogs being shut off from the rest of the world by the London Marathon.

That was that, Millwall finished their second season with a highly respectable League placing of 2nd, they’d continued their short tradition (its getting longer as you read) of playing rugby with a smile on their faces (even if the opposition are grimacing).

They’re not showing any signs of stopping yet………..

……….So the two seasons of League rugby that Millwall had played to date had seen them finish 1st and 2nd in consecutive seasons. Most of you out there would imagine that 3rd in the 1998/99 season would be an appropriate finish.

Oh ye of little faith.

To demonstrate the quality of this years intake, here’s a quick précis of the players that N. Webb took to Hampstead to play a Second Team fixture; Steve Harford, Kevin Bulmer, Connan Hill, Allan Gallagher, Graham Thorburn.

Add to these, players of the calibre of Mark Dempsey, Jim Kenworthy, Mike Duncan, Mike Beech, Ben Szyczak and you will start getting the picture.

This Millwall vintage achieved standards that will be hard to reach for many years.

A bare analysis shows that Millwall won no cups and finished top of their table in the League structure. Another promotion was won and this time it was fulfilled. Millwall were finally off the bottom of the League structure.

This is not even half the story.

There was a realistic possibility that Delilah the Llama would soil Twickenham’s famous turf. Millwall’s run in the Tetley Bitter Vase saw them reach the last 16 of a National Cup whose Final is played at Twickenham. The run included victories over Mistley, Tonbridge, Cuffley, Old Brentwoods and a winning away draw at Haverhill after extra time. It was ended by the eventual winners Billericay, whose fine achievement was witnessed by Millwall as they collected their NPI/RUGBY NEWS

Rugby Achievement award at Twickenham on Final Day.

As Steve Harford put it ‘we’re in the last 16 of the TBV and we train on a Horse paddock’. Not everyone’s cup of tea but it worked then.

Millwall also reached the Semi-Final of the Essex President’s Shield being knocked out by Ravens, of all people.

The League campaign progressed with scarcely a hiccup although, bizarrely, given Millwall’s practically all-conqueirng season, May and Baker managed to do the double on us in the League, the only two games we lost. Revenge was gained over May and Baker in the EPS under floodlights at Barking.

The season ended with a flourish (and I don’t mean the flourish of fire on Mike Beech’s chest) as Pegasus (whose front row foolishly decided to tell Gareth and Flex that May and Baker were easily the best team in the division in the first league match between the two sides) were put to the sword by a rampant Millwall 133-0, or at least that’s what the ref. said.

The season was a rare delight for those who had taken part and it ended with two traditions intact. LNZ beat us 37-33 and Millwall’s Rest of the World side won by 3 tries to 1.

Another tradition happily began. The first Overseas tour to Amsterdam was a stunning success. (The previous year we hadn’t played any Rugby but Larry turning up on his girlfriend’s birthday made up for that and I’m led to believe that Amsterdam’s firefighters are still valiantly attempting to extinguish Flex’s jacket to this day). This time we did .Brian Whitley’s excellent organisation ensured the tour went swimmingly. We did a side named Octopus from Uden 42-10, thereby winning on tour. I’m sure we’ll do that again sometime, but don’t hold your breath…

…..at last we found ourselves in a Division that could not be described, in any way shape or form, as a bottom division. We had reached the giddy heights of Eastern Counties Three. There was an Eastern Counties Four. The only question was if, after the Lord Mayors Show the previous year, we could maintain that form despite the loss of several key players. The League had pitched us in a League of 9 playing against Stanford, Brightlingsea, Ongar, Burnham-on-Crouch, May and Baker, Old Brentwoods, Old Palmerians and Ravens. Of these teams May and Baker and Old Brentwoods were old foes. We'd played Stanford in a trials game and Ravens once. It was genuinely a step into the unknown.

The League campaign saw us finish a highly respectable fourth (of 9) with League doubles over Burnham and Ongar, we split the honours with Ravens, May and Baker (of course), Brightlingsea and Old Palmerians, although how we ever managed to let the latter two teams beat us is anyone's guess (the points aggregate against Brightlingsea, with one win apiece, was 55-11 to us, for example). Mark Dempsey's year as Chairman was also memorable for a visit to Twickenham to stand before a Disciplinary committee chaired by a Mr. R. Horner. The travesty that was Millwall's victory over Bromley in the TBV was wiped from the record books mainly because Bromley thought they'd hammer us (we were 12-5 up with 10 minutes to go when the ref abandoned the game because Bromley walked off the pitch). This was also the first year during which Millwall fielded a reasonably regular second team (even if they played more matches than not sure. This was chiefly attributable to the advent of Mike Costin's invaluable and indispensable Van of Luuuurve. Although it had been used sporadically the previous year (most notably when transporting 17 from Island Gardens to Fat Cats), this was the year when it truly came into its own. This method of transport is now almost totally relied on for Llamas games (the Llamas are Millwall's second team, thank you Guy).

The rest of the world continued their domination of the Annual inter-club fixture despite the Lions side weighing the odds in their favour with an extra player. Who can forget Darryl Gera bursting onto the scene then breaking four bones in his face. At least it made him better looking. The end of the year tour to Gdynia in Poland re-established the tradition of never winning games on tour (I'm ignoring the win over Gdynia Under 5's in the Sevens tournament) and continued Millwall's tradition on organising excellent tours. On behalf of all those who went, thank you Rupert. In addition to Darryl, the pick of this years intake was Dan Condon (who went onto win Player of the Year in his first season), Greg Clerkson, Johann Van Vuuren, Bee and Niang (of those who were there who could forget the last two !).

……. Despite finishing in the top half of the table, another League restructure saw us essentially demoted into the bottom division again. Jon Chico and Chris McCafferty injected some new blood into the committee following the departure of Mark Dempsey and that great stalwart, Nick May. Jon's reign as Chairman kicked off with a League loss to Pegasus, 5-8, (last time we'd played we'd won 133-0) and in the words of Pete Howard, "that'll come back to haunt you".

It didn't take us long to restore the proper order. Ravens were hammered 32-0 the very next week taking us to the second round of the Tetley Bitter Vase. This run was stopped by Wanstead in the next round. Our league form subsequent to Pegasus can easily be described as awesome. May and Baker turned us over but the results against Ravens (51-0), Rayleigh (95-3) and the Kings Cross Steelers (88-0) showed that, if we wanted to, we could play quite spectacular Rugby. Other league wins before the turn of the year were against Dagenham (33-26), Old Bealonians (21-8) and Burnham (34-6).

We bid a sad farewell to Greg Clerkson at Thurrock where he celebrated his departure with a hat-trick and Kev Bulmer set a World record for most Bacardi Breezers before breakfast (11 if you're interested, although breakfast was at 11:55). Millwall helped Thames triumph over both Upminster and Millwall (don't ask), a very sorry state of affairs and the rest of the world extended their winning run. The rest of the world's extension of there winning streak was partly a result of a heavily skewed pre-season intake. Pick the Englishmen out of this set of luminaries; Jason Spires, Mike Sinclair, Alan Elphinstone, Carl Llewelyn and Will Knight (joint winners of the best Newcomer trophy), the Harding clan (how about Sean Morgans's medicinal three pints before kickoff ), Sam Webb (more later) and Tim Watts. We kicked off the second half of the year's League campaign badly losing 0-7 to Ravens. Hangover springs to mind.

The Llamas, in contrast hammered The Phantoms 85-0 in their first game of the year. Burnham on Crouch suffered the double from us (again) and a victory over Witham in the Essex President's Shield augured well. Loughton beat us in the League 14-15, the first time we'd played them in anger. Old Bealonians knocked us out of the Essex President's Shield (we're rubbish on Sundays) 5-18 and as a direct result of that Dagenham suffered in the League, the week after to the tune of 48-10. Revenge was gained in the League against Old Beals and May and Baker again beat us 15-20. Richard Benson got sent off in this game, the last of the R.F.U.'s suspended sentence. No action was taken, woohoo.

Pegasus, happily, were then shoed 55-0. We finished up second behind May and Baker ensuring promotion.

And then we went to Tallinn. I'm afraid that what goes on tour stays on tour. We beat London French and Sam Webb is not a fan of Milk in the mornings. Pot plants, now that's a different matter. It's safe to say that Millwall Tours continue to be a source of delight for those that go on them. I also believe that John Geromoschos, Mike Costin, Kev Bulmer, Steve Brooks and Nigel Webb are no longer eligible to play for England.